Why Humans Don't Photosynthesise

Tuesday, September 27th 2011

Why is it that humans are so suboptimal? Why don't we, say, photosynthesise? It makes sense. Rather than spend all this time growing plants to eat them. Why not just go straight to the sun?

Then I pictured this.

The cavemen walked across the plain.

"This is fucked," said argh, slinging his club over his shoulder.

"No shit," said urgh, adjusting his loin cloth. "We haven't found a fucking thing."

"I told you there'd be good hunting somewhere on the sun bleached plain of eternal suffering," said the old, bearded shaman. "I didn't say it would happen immediately."

"Useless old man," snorted argh.

"Silence, youngling!" shouted the shaman, waving his skull-stick. "Do not anger borgoron the king of the toe serpents lest he cast out the fiftieth to the sun of murmgs."

"That doesn't even make sense," said argh.

"Silence!"

'If you're gonna threaten people you need more menacing," said urgh.

"Silence!" shouted the Shaman.

And with that they stopped and sniffed the air.

"Urrgrghrhr," they said.

"I smell Sunman!" said the Shaman.

And, there, lying in the sun not far away, was a sunman. He lay on his back. Bathing in the sun.

"They make good eating," whispered Urgh.

"Quickly!" said the Shaman. "Get him while he's photosynthesising!"