John, Nigel the Triclopian & the Invasion of Earth - Chapter 1

Saturday, September 18th 2010

Neil Armstrong stepped from the landing pod.

"One small step for ..." he began.


He was interrupted by a set of pre-recorded parping trumpets.

Three elegant creatures peered at Neil. They blinked beneficently. Their robes fell just so. Their hair was buffeted stylishly by a mysterious intergalactic breeze.

"Greetings," said one. It held up a tendril by way of greeting.

"Greetings," said Neil.

"If you wouldn't mind filling in this little questionnaire," said another.

It handed Neil a short questionnaire.

"And this little booklet will give you some useful information about us," it said helpfully.

Neil looked at the booklet. It had a hastily scrawled picture of a tendril on it. And a spectacularly odd interpretation of a human hand. They were clasped in a awkward handshake.

Underneath it read:

"Together in Universal Togetherness."

In cartoony text.

Neil peered at the survey through his visor.

Hi! Welcome to the Universe! You're a citizen of the United Federation of Peacefully Coexisting Sentient Beings! (hereafter known as United Federation of Peacefully Coexisting Sentient Beings!). Some questions for you!

  1. Is your species still engaged in violent competition for resources?

Er, thought, Neil. He ticked "Yes."

  1. Have you solved the twin problems of infinite energy and infinite consumer item manufacturing?

No, ticked Neil.

  1. Can you tell jokes in binary?

No, ticked Neil. Well maybe yes. Well, not him, personally.

"Thank you," said the leading alien. "That is all."

And with that they disappeared, leaving an envelope with "Your Supreme Leader!" written on it.

Neil guessed that this was for the president.

--- time passed ---

President Nixon looked at the envelope. It had been delivered furtively by those creepy guys in black suits. Guys from the TOP SECRET UNKNOWN department. The one deep within the bowels of the ... well he wasn't sure; but it was all real hush-hush and he was told not to ask questions.

"H'm," he h'med to himself, adjusting his hair.

He opened the envelope.

"If you leave your planet again! We will target earth! Destroy all humans! Yours sincerely the United Federation of Peacefully Coexisting Sentient Beings!"

Not altogether encouraging, thought Richard. He put the envelope in the drawer under the Presidential desk.

The one containing items for subsequent presidents to deal with.

Chapter 1

John had decided life was no longer worth living.

This hadn't come to him in a moment or two, or at a moment of high drama. No. The crapnosity had descended gradually. In the same way his hairline had gradually receded and his job had gradually crushed his brain. He had grown to hate small children, ducks and carpet, amongst other things. Fucking ducks! Fuck! He was 43. He didn't see life getting any better.

He stepped off the roof.

There was a moment of exhilaration and then a thud. He was dazed for a moment. Was he dead?

No. He had landed on something. He slowly looked up.

Something was looking at him with minute red eyes. Through a misshapen port-hole.

Was it ... a robot?

Was this a ... UFO?


He paused to contemplate his bad acting. Then he started to stand up.

"Destroy all humans," shouted the robot in clipped monotone.

It held up two lobster-like claws. It clicked them together with some evil delight. It had something appalling in mind for John.

His heart beat faster. He realised the entire building he had just stepped off had been turned into a cloud of silvery dust.

Hovering nearby was a giant, blue spaceship; it was a glowing thing, covered in fronds and weird parapets.

A giant red beam was zapping from the bottom of the spacehship; vast convulsions of toxic looking lightning bolt-shaped energy spewed from beneath the ship.

"Halt or you will be destroyed," whirred the robot. It was suddenly hovering 3 inches from John's nose.

The robot's breath stank.

"You are the leader of this human installation?" it shouted.

"Eh?" asked John, who felt like his nostril hairs were on fire.

"You are the leader of this human installation?" it asked, again, not altogether unloudly.

"You mean ... no. I'm ..." coughed John, feeling like he had just sucked a fart out of a dead seagull.

"You are the leader of this human installation?" It was shaking angrily. "Insolence detected. Deploy Maximum Pain Beam!"

Nothing happened. There was a slight fizzling noise from the robot. It's furious little red eyes grew even more intense than before.

"Maximum Pain Beam has Failed. Prepare Flesh Disintegration Cannon. Total Victory! All hail the walrock!"

The strange lightning-bolt-and-spirally-arrow insignia on its forehead glowed.

Again, nothing.

"Deploy Molecular Destruction Unit."

Another slight fizzling. A small hatch on the front of the robot flopped open sadly with a clunk.

"Oh for fuck's sake," mumbled the robot. It slumpled slightly.

John jumped past the robot. Into the UFO. Through the port hole.

"Foolish human," bellowed the robot, hovering precariously after him. "This technology is beyond human comprehension!" It paused. "Destroy all humans!"

And with that it launched itself at John. John stepped to one side, and the robot crashed into the cabin wall. A hail of sparks, smoke and flame indicated the robot was no more.

The spaceship consisted of one big, circular room. The ceiling was a nest of different styles of tubing. The floor was made of what looked like faintly green steel. The girders were covered with blobs of hastily used glue. There were examples of various types of unconvincing repairs. The walls were covered in smooth, black, vinyl-like material, some of which was peeling off to reveal some cheaply erected struts and supports.

In the centre there was glowing orb that let out deep, throbbing, "hooooooog" sounds every 5 or 6 seconds.

It looked like a set from an awards show. It also looked like it had thoroughly gone out of fashion. And then been sat on by an angry Indian God with 20 heads that looked like an elephant and had sex with walrus trees.

John heard a crunching noise. A thumping. And then a scraping. He looked around for the source, his heart beating.

There was a door in the far wall. It had semi-transparent window in it. He could see the moving outline of a figure beyond it.

"Open the door!" shouted a voice.

Ah, right. John looked at the door.

"Green button!" shouted the voice.

John looked for a green button.


A blob with three legs tumbled out.

It looked at John with a throbbing cycloptic eye. John instinctively recoiled in horror.

"You won't believe the number of times I get that reaction," said the creature, getting to its three feet in a spidery fashion. "It's the fucked part of being a triclops."

It trotted over to the orb. Rose on its two rear legs. It used its third leg to prod the orb. The "hooooooog" sound raised its pitch and the intensity of its throbbing. Then there was a cracking sound and the ship zipped upwards.

They zipped straight up through the clouds and into the stratosphere.

John fell to the floor, struggling for breath.

"Fuck yeah!" exclaimed the triclops, its giant cyloptic eye bulging with delight.

John looked balefully at the blob.

"You look sexy," said Nigel, winking. "I dig the hair-clumps."

Then the triclops spent a couple of minutes adjusting some controls.

"Name's Nigel, by the way," the triclops said.

"Nigel?" asked John.

"Yep. Very conventional names on the planet Triclopian. We invented English, too, you know."

There was a pause.

"Effective invasion, eh?" said Nigel, returning his main attention to the orb.

"Well, yes," said John. "If that's what it is."

"It's more a destroying," explained Nigel. "It has it all: giant battle ships, hot fusion throwers, massive arrays of ... the techonoids are some of the meanest, toughest fuckers in the cosmos."


"Uhuh. The work of the evilest fucker ever to come out of the nether regions of the worst pit of flea infested armpit in the entire crotch of the cosmos ..."


"Shhh. We shouldn't use His name."

John paused a moment to gather his thoughts.

"What's that smell?" he asked.

"I can't smell," said Nigel, blinking, "when you've got an eye like this a nose is an afterthought ..."

And with that there was a rumbling explosion. The ship shook. John and Nigel fell to the floor again.

"Oh shit," said Nigel, hastily prodding the orb.

John looked out the port-hole and saw some angry, distant dots pursuing them. Beams of red energy were zapping from them. The energy exploded around the ship. Giant blasts of crunchy reds and oranges.

"Pursuit ships," said Nigel. "We'll've trouble out-running them."

"What about using " - John paused for thought - " ... errrm ... the "warp drive" or something?"

"Warp drive? Your're kidding, man. These things run on diesel, uranium gravel and molten lead. They can't go over mach 2.5. And they're probably the fastest ships in the Universe."

"That's a bit disappointing," said John.

"We all think so," said Nigel, a little sadly. "You think after 5 billion years of commuting the sentient beings of the Universe would have come up with something better, but meh. No wait a minute. The infinite warp light antimatter emulon particle accelerating exon drive can propel a ship across the universe in less that 2 hours. But there's no way of stopping once you get to your destination." Nigel paused for thought. "Although there's always telemenetic brain transmutatation, but only the Supreme Enlightened Ancient Ones have perfected that. And it involves odd sexual rites no-one else has the dexterity to perform."

There was another explosion, this one was closer.

"Oh yeah, and there's the teleporters. But they can only transport people 10 meters. And it takes 20 minutes."

Then another BOOM! Heat wafted around them.

"Fuckin' hell man!" Nigel cackled with exhilaration and tried to maintain his balance. "They're homing in on us. Yeeehaaa!"

John fell over again.

"Triclopian and primate detected!" shouted an robotic voice over the ship's intercom. "Surrender or die!"

"Fuck you," said the Triclopian, suddenly jerking its third leg around the orb. The ship shook wildly.

There was a massive explosion outside. John felt another wave of heat pass over him.

"Wooooah!' exclaimed Nigel. "Hot fusion!"


"Technoid destruction beam."

"Total destruction! Complete Victory!" quoth the obnoxious voice. "All hail the Walrock!"

Another explosion. This time even closer.

"I hope you have a good plan," said John.

"Don't worry. Got it aaaaalll under control."

And with that the entire bridge exploded, sparks flew everywhere and the orb burst into flame.

"Escape pod!" cried Nigel, scuttling toward a door. John followed him. They ended up in a tiny room with a circular-door-valve-hatch-doory-thing. Nigel prodded a button and the valve hissed open.

"Get in!"

The ship was rocked by another explosion, John barely stayed upright.

"GET IN!" repeated Nigel.

John leapt into the pod. Nigel followed after him and then hastily hit a red button on the wall. It had "Certain Death" written on it.

"Don't worry," said Nigel, detecting John's displeasure at the choice of button. "Check out the other option."

John did. The other button read:


"They only have those warnings for legal reasons," said Nigel.

Then there was a rushing feeling, the pod shook and they were ejected from the ship. The pod rushed towards the Earth. Through the pod's port-hole, John could see about 5 Techonoid ships surrounding the ship, zapping it with red beams.

One of the Techonoid ships was caught in the crossfire and exploded. Then another. Then they started attacking each other furiously. One drove into another. Then there was an explosion that engulfed all the ships.

Nigel gave a spidery shrug. "What can I say? Mad fuckers."

Then John felt really sick. He felt his face being pushed into the top right corner of his skull. His eyes bulged. He felt like a polar bear was now standing on his testicles. Things were getting hairy and cold down there.

"This could really suck," said Nigel. "Yeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaa!"

Then John lost consciousness.

Time passed.

John regained consciousness. Although he wished he hadn't.

"Urrrrrrr," he grumbled from the depths his wheezing chest.

"Alright?" asked a jovial voice. It was Nigel. He was looking at John with a slightly concerned look. The look irritated John.

"What?" asked John grimpily. (And yes, grimpily is now officially a Word.)

"Hey, settle down, man, I was just asking."

"Sorry," said John. "My head ... urrrrrr."

"Gotya. I can dig that. Tell you what, I've got some good news that will brighten things up."

Nigel paused for effect. "We escaped! How cool is that?!"

John blearily regarded his surroundings. They were sitting in a desert somewhere, amidst the wreckage of their escape pod.

"Lucky escape," said Nigel, gesturing around with a leg.

John raised himself off his back and sat up.

"Where are we?" he asked.

"No idea," replied Nigel. "The bad news is you're gonna die of thirst. All the escape pod supplies were destroyed during our miraculous escape."

"Oh well," sighed John, lying back down.

"That's not an altogether upbeat note, is it, man. Where's your fight!"

"No, I s'pose it isn't upbeat, no," said John.

"I don't think just lying there will ..."

"Do you really think I care?"

"No I guess not. But positivity ..."

"Oh, fuckin' spare me your New Age claptrap."

"Humans," said Nigel. "Such a uninspiring species."