Horoscopes

Saturday, June 5th 2010

I was pondering horoscopes. And thought I might have a go.

Splunderous Horoscope

Aquarius

Be wary of saggitarians. They will attempt to stalk you.

Saggitarius

Now is a good time to stalk Aquarians.

Aries

Beware giant, man-eating crabs. They crave the sweet taste of human flesh.

Taurus

Do not trust flies.

Gemini

You will have a car named after you later in the month.

Cancer

If you pay attention to signals close at home, you will have the opportunity to morph into a giant man-eating crab. People will remark about how youthful you are.

Leo

Beware man eating crabs. Stock up on small arms. The end is coming.

Virgo

If you need a gun, go to a friend's house. Make sure the friend has the star sign Leo. Providence will shine upon you.

Libra

Do not trust people with the star signs Leo or Virgo. They are gun mad lunatics.

Scorpio

Librans are uptight. Ignore their warnings about gun-toting nutters. All will be well. Expect some money later in the month.

Sagittarius

Expect some moolah later in the month. You may also be shot at. Heed outlandish warnings about giant man-eating crabs. They are not as far fetched as they seem to be.

Pisces

Expect to lose money later in the month. Your toe will start speaking to you in ancient Sumerian. Do not listen to it. That is where madness lies.

Capricorn

Your symbol is the sea-goat. This is very cool. Expect some money later in the month. People with talking toes will give you money.