The Endless Attack of the Lawnhorses

Monday, June 18th 2012

Another idea for a TV series.

It is very, very serious.

A lawn horse is a giant destrier. A medieval warhorse. A powerful stallion bred to carry knights into battle. Strong neck, powerful loins, tough as nails. Big jaw.

It was thought they had died out. Not so! An ancient wizard known as Krovex the Humped Nose visits suburban dwellings and carefully lays out a special lawn outside the front of each house. Just big enough to accommodate a lawn horse.

Then a giant destrier appears by magic.

With a knight on it.

Every time the occupants of the house emerge, the knight hurls abuse at them in a lofty knightly patois.

"Ah, brown suede today! The choice of a peasant!"

"Your wife smells of raw wench again, little man!"

"Your house is not fit for my most decrepit hunting dog!"

That is all the knight does. Forever. Relentlessly. Everywhere the occupants of the house go, the lawn horse and his lawn appear.

That's the entire show. It goes on, relentlessly, episode by magnificent episode, for 9 seasons. No-one watches except Magnum PI fans. But they just watch for the moustaches.

A feature film is made. It is called The Four Lawnhorses of the Apocalypse.

Each apocalyptic horseman rides a stallion the same size as the usual lawn horse. But, oddly, all four fit the standard piece of lawn Kovex lays out for the usual lawnhorse.

This is the entire basis for the movie. The odd warping of time and space that occurs is explored at length and relentlessly for 6 hour and 22 minutes of equestrian cinematic triumph.

The follow up film is even more of a wonderful meisterwerk. It is called

Release the Lawn Horses

This is a confusing title because there is only one lawn horse in the movie and it is never released. Due to the fact it was never captured. The opus goes for 8 hours and 6 minutes of magical horse oriented filmic splendour.

The plot is:

An ancient wizard known as Krovex the Humped Nose visits suburban dwellings and carefully lays out a special lawn outside the front of the house. Just big enough to accommodate the lawn horse.

Then a giant destrier appears by magic.

With a knight on it.

Every time the occupants of the house emerge, the knight hurls abuse at them in a lofty knightly patois.

It is noted by some critics that this is exactly the same as the TV series.

In real life, each critic wakes up to find a lawn horse on his or her lawn.

Then a giant destrier appears by magic.

With a knight on it.

Every time the occupants of the house emerge, the knight hurls abuse at them in a lofty knightly patois.

Crushed by the realisation that all these films are actually documentaries, the critics summon a giant dragon.

And so the saga of the Lawn Dragons begins.

This is documented in a masterful piece of movie making magic called:

The Rise of the Lawn Dragons

An ancient wizard known as Krovex the Humped Nose visits suburban dwellings and carefully lays out a special lawn outside the front of the house. Just big enough to accommodate a lawn dragon.

Then a giant dragon appears by magic.

With a dragon rider on it.

Every time the occupants of the house emerge, the dragon rider hurls abuse at them in a lofty dragon ridery brogue ...